I played a barbarian once. Didn't go so hot. He was excellent at finding traps, in much the same way that a wooden pole is excellent at finding fire. Still, I played him resolutely right to the end. The end was a mind flayer. I bet it didn't find him very satisfying at all.
So it stands that I could take a lesson in barbarian...ishness... from the original barbarian, the iconic barbarian, the guy who is to "the Barbarian" as Merlin is to "the Wizard." The UR-barbarian, one might say, if one were disposed to describe things as Ur which are not Sumerian cities. I've already got a head start: I'm eating ribs and doing so with great vigor and all the mess that implies. MEAT GOOD. Why no pizza? Because ribs, don't ask stupid questions. Pizza tomorrow. MEAT ANSWER TO ALL QUESTION. I'm in the zone, let's get barbaric.
What do I know about Conan the Barbarian? WELL. Let me tell you!
• He uses 12-sided dice for his hit points
• He can fly into a rage some number of times per day
• He's got a full base attack bonus and also an uncanny ability to dodge
Hm. Am I on the right track here...?
• His name is Conan.
Theeere we go. I am a genius. You cannot argue with the depth and width of my knowledge. Let's go find out how exceptionally right I am. :D
Universal. Here we go.
Good starting quote.
DRUM. DRUM DRUM.
BETWEEN THE TIME WHEN THE OCEANS DRANK ATLANTIS does that even make sense
CONAN. DESTINED TO WEAR A CROWN
his chronicler. THE DAYS OF HIGH ADVENTURE I'm very stoked for this
this is perfect barbarian music.
let's make a sword.
there's not much to this theme, but I like it that way
there's something very old-movie about the strings
guys this is already extremely badass and literally nothing is happening
thought it was going into a stone for a moment there
more mountains. yes.
Fire and wind come from the sky
Crumb is the earth god, eh?
thought he was the bread god
there's something very Prometheus in this story
hi Conan. You're short.
there's an interesting idea there if you take it at face value OH HELLO SIRS
that the gods wanted to keep trust from mankind
this is all extremely awesome in a classically D&D sort of way. All of this reminds me of the best dreams
THAT BRASS MAN
the music would like to remind you that ADVENTURES AWAIT
Who are these behorsed gentlemen?
THE MUSIC IS WINNING
THIS IS WHAT ADVENTURES SHOULD SOUND LIKE FOLKS
his mom's gonna be a badass?
look at that hammer
I DON'T LIKE HIS BEARD, KILL HIM
is that really a practical way to get inside a hut?
I'm already SO COMPLETELY SOLD
is the one with the hat in charge? no, the one with the helmet
well now I don't even know
Good day moustache. Are you the badguy?
Conan, mom's busy right now
oh wait who is THIS
this one looks important
and CALM. that's weird.
that's an awesome sword by the way
creepy stare, sir
everyone's just staring. Come on, do the thing
oh come on I wanted a fight
what the hell WHAT THE HELL NO
yes you still have five fingers kid who the hell cares
he did that just because he could? that's weird
THE BLOOD BECAME AS SNOW love it
ohhh child slaves not happy
I pick weird ways to articulate ideas
they're not even slaving they're just sort of parading. This is a terrible hobby, I want you to know that
the score is fantastic who did this it's not Mr. Williams
world's worst merry-go-round
heh there's a demon face on the end of the wheel
well now, you've trodden a circle into the earth wait WHERE THE HELL IS EVERYONE ELSE
oh well now you've done it that's a Terminator
what is the wheel even FOR?
like no seriously did the rest all die or did they just decide they hated him most of all?
GOOD DAY, I AM NO-COMB. I don't know how I got that name.
And now we're going to have a pit fight! :D
Grr to you too, buddy
well this is hardly fair, I didn't see Bitey pushing a wheel for so long he turned into a cyborg
OW oh got that would suck
"I'll earn enough to buy that hairbrush I always wanted!"
Is he collecting magic items? He's got a lot of stuff now
what the hell are those weapons?
"Vader is also YOUR father. Deep secrets complete."
wait what? He's got no time for philosophy, he's a barbarian
wait they're using him like a bull?
yeah I don't think you've got this "sex" thing down, guy
then again, I could be wrong.
Good lord that man's made of muscle. No wonder he made such an effective Terminator.
TO CRUSH YOUR ENEMIES AND HEAR THEIR WOMEN CRY
I LOVE ALL OF THIS machismo or not that was just a great line
he's free? Confusion
No-comb never did earn enough money for that brush.
wait if he's free why are there dogs after hiom
oooh, interesting, it's like a place
very articulate Jemery thank you very much
I'm just gonna give up now
ooh it's a dungeon :D
this is such a D&D movie DEAD PERSON THERE
wow it really is a dungeon. This is so awesome
the music sells it all so well :D
Aha, that helmet looks familiar
GREATSWORD +1 OBTAINED
+1 greatsword of being very dusty, apparently
+1 greatsword of chain-severing
wait did he skin the dogs
guys this is just awesome I want you all to know this
okay THAT bird noise? I hate that one.
Is that a euphemism
awful friendly locals
is that supposed to be sexy because it's just not
FOOM look at my fire and the stiff way I crawl.
"well sure but you have to put some effort in first"
who is this chick
WHY DID IT HAVE TO BE SNAKES
her voice unnerves me
yeah he looks really put out by that price
maybe tell him post-sex? just thinking AND NOW WE'RE BLUE don't know why
WHAT THE HELL
NO SERIOUSLY WHAT THE OH SHIT
WORST ORGASM EVER
well that was unusual
as one night stands go, perhaps not his best
oh hey guy
you sound like a chronicler OH MAN WHAT A DICK
Subati? PARTY MEMBER OBTAINED
and now a religious discussion
one prays to the winds, one to a deaf god of bread
yeah that is a Crummy way to die
so what is the riddle of steel|?
NOW WE ARE PARTY MEMBERS
guess you don't all meet at an inn
these are great mountains
that's a great city
this whole thing I'm just running my hands together with total glee
LET'S WASTE NO TIME indee|ELEPHANT
ALL OF THE PIGS
Conan and Subati's travel guide
the music sounds like the best D&D campaign ever
I POINT AT YOU "no"
ohey look a snake tower
ANOTHER snake cult? How many do you need?
"except all that stuff I just told you."
What's HAHAHA I AM EVIL
GUY JUST PUNCHED A CAMEL
look Conan, there's drunk and there's camel punching drunk THERE'S a man who sounds like a chromiclaer
"the eye of the serpent" QUEST OBTAINED. STEAL SHINY OBJECT. SELL FOR CAMELS. PUNCH CAMELS.
I may just be the worst. No comment.
Let us pose with swords, it is indeed much fun
well no you're a thief and he's a barbarian. THE barbarian
mind flayers? love a mind flayer
HAHAHAH "you go first" love it
party member obtained?
oh she's definitely a rogue
hat's not an answer
first theme I haven't felt clicked with the scene
oh maybe I'm wrong, they're doing a cult thing
I don't knopw how to spell that name
don't split the party
These people really like snakes. And skulls.
I believe I have found the eye of the serpent
my inner 12-yeaqr old is having a lot of fun with this movie
oh hey moustache
she's sort of creepy skinny.
QUEST COMPLETED, okay the snake is not happy with you
what is this now
oh hey we found a symbol
so that's Thassadune
seriously deal with the snake issue
BIG SNAKE HOLY MOTHER OF BIG SNAKE
are you really helping at this point?
seriously ehat's she doing
hehe way to work the disguise
no, but I'd like to live longer than you apparently
that was an awesome dungeon mission and we're still nowhere near done are we :D
film's not big on dialogue is it
nipples it likes
this wouldn't be half the movie it is without this robust score behind it
Right this can move on then.
hey look he's got a new dorky hat
and ANOTHER new dorkier hat
Someone get Fezzik, he knows how to fix this issue
The Usurper. A villain?
AND THEN HE CAME BACK TO LIFE. MAGIC.
"stole a thingy and had fun?"
like this guy, he's fun
HAHAHAHAHA YESSSSSSS "I SALUTE YOU"
Demigod? Now that's interesting. Annd it's gonna be snakes.
yep that's how the best quests start. Murderhobos are the solution
oh so we're getting a new quest to find Sarah Connor?
which I mean really you've got the best hat I want that hat
Thulsa Doom? HIS MOUNTAIN OF POWER LOVE IT LOVE IT ALL
I'm so sold
he gives out jewels like the best houses on Halloween
I'm all about this. A sorcferer who summons demons? We're in.
MOUNTAIN OF POWER. CLASSIC. still love it
didn't catch her name
does she have a name?
and yet you still don'\t have a name.
obviously you';ve never met fire, it's great for warmth
that's just an awesome line
guy I hope you checked for fangs this time
well then. Guess he's checked out
Conan come on, you need a party
Ain't no party without a full party
again just immensely enjoying the score
THE CHILDREN OF DOOM. So cheesy. So awesome.
"He said no." HA. damn right chrionicler
pretty heavy armor for a barbarian
love the hat though
garden of the dead. eerie.
that's a great hut.
"I'M A WIZARD" party member obtained, now we just need a cleric
SO this is the chronicler
...right so you two are just weird
battles, heroes, witches, women. all you need to hear about
RICHES. I'm dumb
no but he punched one, same idea
what are the flowers ever for
looks like the place
oh hey look
OOOOOOOH OOOOOOOH yes yes shut up
well that guy comes on strong
I want to make a really inappropriate joek right now
almost feel bad for the guy, that was all he had
he doesn't pass well does he
zero ranks in Disguise
man don't hold up the line. People like you are the worst
that looks awesome
that is a MOUNTAIN OF POWER, folks
hey look, it's moustache
and not-moustache, I need a better name for him
wonder what the difference is between the white robes and the black robes
hey it came in handy for once :D
or did it that guard looks suspicos
is that the girl? Sarah Connor?
the music's so... elated
that's an awesome head thingy
that's the guy
look they know they found him
oh crap what's gonna happen
YUP THEY CAUGHT HIM WHJAT HAPPENS NOW
STRESS HAPPENS NOW
that was pretty sudden STOP HABING SNAKES IN YOUR HANDS
well that's just uncalled for
Doom is here for you
in the serpent's head, next to the other one
Rexor. That must be moustache
...is that VADER?
Thorgrim. Badass name
the riddle of steel. yes, do
well nope. That was an unwise thing to do
I assume you mean where you tell people to do things, not where they jump off tall objects and die
he's not... entirely wrong
CONTEMPLATE THIS. ON THE TREE OF WOH SHIT THAT is not positive
oh well this all went to hell fast. This is why you don't split the party.
but guys THAT WAS VADER oh ick that's abird
Conan's got NO TIME FOR YOUR SHIT, bird
of course rescue but who
Subati! oh come on Conan he's not that funny
wait oh okay good
was gonna say, don't jerk me around, movie
HEY, NAMELESS IS HERE TOO
the spirit of the place? that's an intriguing idea
is she going to have to fight a demon?
so sayeth my knife
OH HERE WE GO IT IS ON NOW
Gozer, eh? Who's surprised
where do you think YOU'RE going
There is no Conan, only Zuul
there are actual spirit things there aren';t there?
there ARE LOOK AT THEM SHE'S WRESTLING GHOSTS
and this is why we go to clerics for resurrection spells.
"am I about to get stabbed"
well of course they are that's a Terminator. I wouldn't mess with a Terminator
so now Conan's... still dead what gives
guys come on he's dead, don't doodle on his face like a passed-out drunk
DUNGEON INCURSION :D
CAVES TOO :D
"good thieves could do it, but not vengeful ones" LOVE IT LOVE IT ALL
you should probably agree to that, man's Vader.
seriously I will swear to anyone that that was Vader's voice
oh here we go WHY ARE YOU NOT BRINGING THE WIZARD. WIZARDS ARE IMPORTANT.
So close to having a full party and they dropped the ball.
I don't think thatr'ss effective camouflage for... anything ever. Just saying
Conan the multiclass Barbarian/Rogue more like, at this point
you know they nevetr did explain the wheel
Excellent Hide and Move Silently from all concerned
annnnd that's an orgy
a really lazy orgy
what's in the caouldron?
soup for giants?
the hell was in that soup
the hell are you talking about Subati, they eat goop
of course. Right next to where Doom sits
so many great lines you cal write with WHAT THE SHIT HIS EYES
my inner 12-year old is gleeful about so many things right now
Is his face stretching?
HE'S A SNAKE
why didn't I think of that of course he's a snake, he's all about snake
he's a HUGE snake
arson. Excellent stealth technique
sewriously their camouglage is the worst thing for this ara HELLO FELLA
AND THE MUSIC IS WITH US. WE CANNOT BE STOPPED NOW
Doomsnake's so done with this
princess, you've got to stop talking snake. it's rude
STEW FOR EVERYBODY
Rexar and Thorgrim. YES. FIGHT REXAR. SWRD AGAINST AXE
that's a crazy hammer
wait BOTH? SHIT'S GETTING REAL GUYS
they love to cut and run :D
that's the best pun I am a genius
who wants it first
DOESN'T MATTER YOU BOTH GET IT
oh hey Doom when did you get legs back
"THEY SHALL ALL DROWN IN LAKES OF BLOOD. NOW THEY WILL LEARN WHY THEY ARE AFRAID OF THE DARK." Casual Friday Dark Ages Vader is terrifyingly awesome.
you'll want to check on that
oh come on, Nameless can't die
see that there? creepy
is she gonna go all fangs now like the other one
oh come on
oh no. ohhhh no. It is ON now.
I TOLD YOU TO BRING A WIZARD.
warmth isn't going to do her that much good NOW, you know
I wouldn't mess with Conan, fire.
shows what you know. What kind of wizard are you, an abjurer?
"I'm crying for him"
now BRING THE WIZARD THIS TIME
is he wearing the Serpent's Eye?
"bring him on"
oh shit yes what are they up to
I love wild blueberries. Nova Scotia blueberries are the best. The tiny ones, not those big fat tasteless ones that they bring in from wherever
the winds are his gods, remember?
HAHAHa "if I'm going to die anyway, better with you"
awfully nice of Thusla Doom to give them that much prep time
that looks like a badass trap
wizard in armor. not helpful.
IT IS ON NOW. ALL OF IT.
LOOK AT THAT AXE
CRUMB, IT'S YOUR TURN
it's probably Krum
GRANT ME REVENGE. AWESOME..
YESSSSSSSSSSSSS CONAN FOR BEST BARBARIAN EVER
worst cleric, but just awesome BOOM
sorry I'm not typing but all this is is WHACK and EPIC MUSIC
where are Rexar and Thorgrim?
there we go
Subati is doing great :D
now which one are you
THAT has to hurt
hey the wizard helped :D
I DID IT WITH MY SPEAR yes you did you wacky old nut
hehehe the helmet
knew that trap would be the best thing
don't let down your guaYOU MORON
oh come on what
oh hey Doom, what's up SNAKE ARROWS AGAIN
come on, wizard duel
oh come on
wait was that his dad's sword
ah we're back here. MOUNTAIN OF POWER.
confused about what;s ahhhh okay then
THE DAY OF ME IS HERE
hell of a speech guy isn't he
what's she doing there though
hey Doom. Your YOU is at hand.
SEE? VADER IS EVERYONE'S DAD
go on, chop him in two
That's how you get a head in this world
what, no "ooooh?"
you've gotta practice that bowling pitch, Conan
see I can't tell if the singing is the score or the cultists
it's almost a letdown
I mean, the guy was a snake. Not figuratively, either
awful thinky for a barbarian, isn't he
tha't sjust a glorious set though
I was just thinking shotput
eh, maybe he dodn't
that's a spectacular visual
well it won't be told now. That was a lot of movie.
Sitting through the credits to listen to the music. :D
And that was Conan! As always, second thoughts to follow tomorrow. Hope you enjoyed the read. This one was tricky... very slow film. Much less dialogue than I've been used to.