Saturday, July 19, 2014

Jaws: First impressions

So Jaws was late, and I'll tell you why, and incidentally if someone has a protip on how to keep a party cool when it's a hot day that would be super appreciated.

Obviously the answer is there was a party. Big drunk one. Pizza and roofs torn off, that kind of good stuff. Nah, wasn't really "big," just seven or eight of us, but definitely booze. Since I can't drink, I was on glowstick and music duty. We made this really awesome sort of glow ball thing with eight or ten or however many little flexible glowsticks and threw it around. Also we played a game called Cards Against Humanity, which is really fun but apparently my sense of humor isn't quiiiiite up to par for that game. I lost a lot.

So to answer what I'm sure is the question on everyone's mind going into this, yes I know about the shark.
 
I also know there's a very famous two note musical theme in this movie. Every music teacher ever has done that one, and everyone else likes to go "look how clever I am I can play Jaws on the piano." You know I never understood why music teachers thought a bunch of 8-year olds would be up on a movie about a shark that, I'm betting, eats people, but whatever floats your boat.

So yeah I know there will be a shark and I am pretty damn sure it will eat people. That's all I've got though. Do I really need anything else? I need to watch a movie. :D

 Alright Zanuck, Brown, do your worst

I hear the music

That's different, I was expecting just the two notes JOHN MOTHERFUCKING WOILLIAMS

Hippies.

MISTER SPIELBERG. WHAT EVEN IS TYHIS. YOU GUYS GOT ME A PRESENT DESSED UP LIKE A SHARK?

To die. You are going to die.

The fuck are they running around anyway, it's a weird stick fence thing annnnnnd there's a gil in the water

You know, I don't recall ever swimming out all that far. The ocean was never for SWIMMING swimming, just for THIS MUSIC IS EERIE AND I KNOW WHY
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ah shit here comes a jaws

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING GUY

okayt s  o that was surprigingly disutuirbing enven though I knew what was going to happen okay I am calm now but wow that was okay then

PUPPY

No, don't talk like that. It sounds bad.

Who's this fella, the sharkbuster?

Man's name is SHEEP?

Chief. It must have been Chief. I'm hearing things again.

I don't know any of these places.

Okay I know that place.

Don't tell me the shark got YOU, sad-looking man

well that's not happy

Chief, yeah

They're karateeing the fences, eh?

you spelled "Jaws" wrong, Chief

She's excessively annoying

how does a beach town on an island not have Beach Closed signs

BUT MY WHEEL

Shame it wasn;t girl scouts, shark could have had some brownies

yeah I went there, I'm awesome

Wait are they about to be rectums about this

"and if people can't get eaten here, well, they'll get eaten somewhere else"

A BOAT PROPELLER

I'm filled with a strange and perverse desire to yell shark in a crowded theatre.

Still got all of them? Cool, get back in there for some subtraction lessons.

Also I saw that big lady go out, the shork;s about to have a god-burrito of his own

hey dog DON'T EAT THE DOG

hmmm big lady and kid. Which one, which one, which one

STRESS FROM A BATHING CAP I'm just not in on thisSCREAMING fuck you. Fuck. You.

Oh crap one of his kids gets eaten THAT is an unpleasant sight hehahaAA "that is some bad hat Harry" sounds like a Maritimer

The dog got eaten didn't it

I HEAR SHARK

WHAT THAT IS RED THAT IS that is SHARK SHARK MOTHERFUCKING SHARK GET OUT OF THE NOT IN OUT YOU FUICKING MORONS GET OUT OF THE WATER NOW

Your boy's gone, madam. Sharked away.

They're STILL being rectums about this?

Agreed, lady, it's not funny

Talk about your one-note thing. SHHHHHHHHHHTFU THAT IS NOT A GOOD NOISE

That's no bird, fella, that's a fish

Ten grand and this is the crazy protagonist I'm sold

Mr. Quinn. We'll see more of you sir.

Classy lady, right there

Boy that took no time to change her mind.

 You know you could have picked a less important cut of meat, right?

What's the tire for

YOWCH that injuryHOLY MOTHER SMOKES THE LEG

no it's not familiar trauma at all why do you ask

I HEAR SHARK
BOOM good job guys, you're feeding him wharf now

I STILL HEAR SHARK

STRESS COME ON HE CAN' T BE READY FGOR MORE ALREADY get ouf of there bud

its udner the wharf it's under the wharf GET OUT

stress galore. Holy balls guys how is this movie so much stress I haven't even seen the fish yet

This is all familiar kind of sight

So who's this fella

he's Matt Hooper. Hey fella

Hey Jaws! Jaws! I got you a feast. Take your pick :D

Oh for the love of god don't just shoot into the water blindly

Autopsy.

What is that word he's saying squallus?

Hi there Jaws. How's it going fishy

so is this faked somehow? Or is that like Baby Jaws or something

Heyo Quinn

A WHAAAAAT? Duh.

This whole autofellatio party they're having here, that's gotta stop

Easy solutions. Go for it guys. WHAT DO YOU MEAN BE REASONABLE okay well I actually sort of agree with him insofar as the place. Move it and THEN cut itTHE FUCK are you slapping him for

go slap the mayor

Seriously who told you to blame the guy who wanted to close the beaches I believe he was already aware of that, lady

Guys that was not Jaws. It might have been like Fangs or Teeth or Maxilla yeah I know that word I'm awesome my point is can family bonding time fuck off I want to see the mayor punched in his fucking smug rectum face

PFFFT self-hospitality. Awkward

Well no, the little boy and the girl are in sharks. He's outside of sharks

Annnd the shoe drops

That seems like an excessive amount of wine. Are you aware there's a shape of glass specially calibrated for wine?

"Before sharks knew what they were missing" I'm amused by that idea

He can do anything he wants, he exactly

Now I've been present at a fish cutting-open thing and it was a stinky stinky business. That must smell like pure undiluted vinegar-saturated ass

AND IT ATE A CAR

heheh we think alike, Chief

The shark's got rogue levels? Explains all the sneak attacks :D

Today I am Funny Jeremy

Sure but there's been two sharkings

"Can we get the late show on that?" Sure but it's just the All Night Shark Channel

You know I'll give him that little thing of logic, an island's not all that island when you're on the island

we're about to meet Jaws aren't we

MUSIC MEANS STRESS IN THIS MOVIE

ghost ship?

Come on get out of there Matt can;t you hear the shark

KOTHJEWJWfsdfFUCK NO EEYEESS RUI SWIM AWAY LETS NNTOI BE DOING THAT TO JEREMY

okay then so no fuck no GET OTU thank you

oh good they're consulting with a giant rectum that smokes

Yes because graffiti that IS TRUE I might add is much worse than, you know, food

"Swims, eats, makes little sharks, that's all." Simple life.

Well this is going to be a terrible thing, isn;t it? Hey Jaws, I've got an extensive selection of imported meats for you

This isn't a matter of if, it's going to happen and it's going to be ugly.

Nobody's going in the water, eh? Are you telling me they're all smarter than you? Oh what are you doing don't do what he says he's an idiot

Look at them they're scared

This is going to escalate and how

I'm just waiting for the music. And the stress.

CAMERA ANGLES OF DOOM

Oh you're just asking for it, Mayor Rectum. Are you related to Sarah?

Oh no oh no stop RUN SWIM AWAY

SHARK DETECTED oh fuck they're going to incite it aren't they

guys what the hell WHAT THE HELL YOU FUCKING IDIOTS shoot them. Just shoot them

oh fuck they called wolf and HIS SKIDS NO FUCKI NO THE MUSIC IS HERE

INCOMING JAWWS

I SEE HIM I SEE THE SHARK SWIM AWAY YOU FUCKMONKEY SWIM AWAY

LEG

STRESS OH FUCK STRESS

you're a lucky bastard Michael

Hey there Mayor Rectum. What's up

HAHA "You're the mayor of Shark City" sssssshut up you panicky moron

Sign it Larry

I don't even know what that toast was trying to be

"This soup's got some bite to it"

SHARK HUNTING PARTY
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I've heard that song with different lyrics, I think Great Big Sea coveredit

The music's gone all perky

Chum, that's the word. So if someone's your chum, does that mean you're going to eat them?

Slightly less impressive there WHOA don't fuck with the compressed gas please

Ooh we're learning knots. I only know a shoelace know and whyyy are we being quieter than usual STRESS

irt's funny how even a twitch of the line can be stress now

that seems like a potentially terrible idea, Quinn

I FOUND A SHARK or at least a really big fish

wait what was he doing with the cup of water?

he's under the BOAT??

HE'S A SMART BIG FISH

why gloves?

Come on, what was it

TOLD.

Yes, and then you make faces. Very mature. Good on you

"No Gozers out here, just checked"

Hehee he's playing with himself.

MORTHEUFFK

"You're going to need a bigger boat" AGREED holy smokeballs that thing's a I HEAR A SHARK

This music is like the original dubstep. The bass keeps dropping LOOK AT THE FUCKING SIXE OF THAT THING

THREE TONS? YOU CAN't even this isn't gonna happen YOU NEED A BIGGER BOAT< YES

that going around the edge I am NOT a fan annnnd we're gonna harpoon a shark

Hooper what the fuck are you doing

STRESS MUCH STRESS

The music's pretty victory this time

Have we caught Jaws? :D

wait seriously? Wasn't that barrel full of air?

Good job losing a 25 foot murder creature, guys

That's a dire shark is what that is

Chief I don't think a bigger boat is in the cards right now

Really want to make a joke about that's a moray

You guys are just DRUNK DRUNK DRUNK

annnnd Hooper has the world's stupidest laugh

There's a mad wonder to Quinn. War veteran, professional murderbeast eliminator

One of them isn't getting out of this. Calling it now. I'm just enthralled by this story

I see Bones, Kirk and Mr. Spock in this trio. Quinn's even got the blue shirt on.

Don't know this song, do know these men can't singBARREL THERE IS A BARREL and two of you are drunk welll this is good isn't it

the fuck IS IT EATING THE BOAT

WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING

FIRE

I could loan you boys some glowsticks DON'T DO WHAT YOU'RE DOING

Hmm where have I seen that before. Han, the asteroids are coming

BARREL and also I HEAR SHARmaybe I don't hear shark. The music changed

I mean I don't hear POSITIVE but I don't hear shark either

what you two are doing is stupid dangerHELLO JHAWS

A PHONE CALL? Ghostbusters don't deal in shark

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING QUUINN

Good day, sirs aboard the Orca. Might you have any chum for your old chum?

that whole walking on the rail thing? Wouldn't get me to do that with a shark about, no sir

TWO barrels and a jaunty nautical tune. It's on now!!!! :D

I don't even know how the music's doing that nautical thing but it's fantastic

WELL IF THAT'S HOW YOU'RE GOING TO BE THEN I SHALL DINE ELSEWHERE TODAY

wait is that three barrels or two what happened to the first one?

"You may have these back, I dislike them"

OWWWwait did they just die the boat toi the shark THIS IS A BAD PLAN I DO NOT APPROVE

Quinn you're a crazy mothercucker I'll give yout hat one

MMMM DELICIOUS ROPE

GREETINGS FROM BENEATH THE owww that was unkind I shall splash you in retaliation

Who's driving the boat

well that whole water in the boat thing can't be positive

I will take all of these things as souvenirs of the time you thought you could catch me. Jaws out.

THREE barrels and I HEAR SHARK

NOT WITH THREE HE CAN'T so I guess that right there was, uih, inconceivable?

SURPRISE I AM OVER HERE did you miss me?

"You shit disturbers are about to learn what a shark looks like when he gets chippy"

Don't just whistle man, bad juju as that smoke? That was smoke

Oh he's going nuts isn't he

This is like Moby Dick I think THAT IS SOME SMOKE Moby Dick's the one with the whale and the obsessed huy, right?

oh well now you're in real shit

STRESS WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED DOWN THERE

Jaws has mad ranks in Hide, just saying

hehehe the jaunty little sea shanty instrumental

"Who let the ocean board my ship?"

I'd just like to say that I am not on board with Captain Quinn. In the agreement sense or the being on his boat sense.

They're actually going to do the cage

ahhhh the air I was wondering if we'd use it

spit? why spit?

I hear shark and there he is. Time to end Jaws.

You have to hit him inside the mouth, right? That could suck

wait where is he

SNEAK ATTACK SHARK

I see a flaw in your plan

besides the HOLY BENT SHARK CAGE BARS

GOOD DAY WOULD YOU LIKE TO BUY SOME MAGAZINES I AM SHARK

but seriously SRRTRESS ALL OF THE STRESS DID HE JUST HOW IS THE CAGE SO USELESS

Oh fuck he's gone isn't he

HE'S ALIVE?

"This food box is terrible. It spills everywhere"

Yeah. This is my box. Go get your own

NO TIME FOR YOUR SHIP

well fuck he is basically eating the ship and QUINN WHAT THE HELL QUINN

Okay that shark looked a bit fake there but still hooooooooooooooly shit

they're sinking

HooperFUCKFCTFSHARK STRESS NUCH STRESS

I accept your offering, human. I shall dine on this fine repast in my underwater castle

oh come on Jaws go away

You don't even have a boat now. Jaws owned your boat. Hooper's underwater, Quinn's chumHELLO THERE my god that shark hates them fuck this stress is in my shoulders now

"THIS IS ALSO MINE."

Is there anything that does NOT belong to Jaws?

MOTHER LOVING KABOOM that's a pretty convincing critical hit there. Death Star: Shark Edition

Now wait how the hell do they get back home?

And then a third shark shows up and eats them for being cocky

"No." Yeah, that about sums it up.

Fucking gulls. I hhhhhhhhhhate gulls.

And that's a wrap. How about that?

Okay then! I've finally seen a pretty famous movie. And it was quite a thing indeed. There goes the Spielberg tag annnnd we are done! I'll see you all after some more The Hobbit.

18 comments:

  1. I think I was introduced to the famous two-note musical theme by the way it was spoofed in Corn Pops commercials. Not to be confused with the three-note musical theme from Bambi, eh?

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  2. I saw this in a theater that plays retro movies; when Quint scraped his fingernails down the chalkboard, it was so loud and unpleasant that over half the viewers were holding their ears.

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  3. I saw this one alone at 2am when I was eight on the tv. In the dark. I weathered the film pretty nicely.

    I just was not able to sleep after that...

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  4. "Holy balls guys how is this movie so much stress I haven't even seen the fish yet"

    Fun fact- The original plan was to have more Jaws in it, but they had a lot of problems getting the shark to work. It's generally agreed this helped make a better movie in the end.

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    1. That's funny. :D

      Lucky them, I guess. There was definitely one scene where the shark looked ridiculously fake. The rest of the time, the little peeks here and there were awesome.

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  5. "I'm filled with a strange and perverse desire to yell shark in a crowded theatre."

    I cracked up. And then I tweeted that. :D (With a link to this blog, of course.)

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  6. I was half expecting a mention about Quint's story about his experience on (off) the Indianapolis.
    True story. It explains his badassery and severe dislike of sharks in general.

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    1. I couldn't even think of things to type. I loved it; it was fascinating and I think my brain just didn't want to interrupt. I mean, it's a horrible horrible story and worse that it's true, but the delivery is fantastic.

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  7. Now that you've seen the movie, check this out this SNL classic parody: https://screen.yahoo.com/land-shark-jaws-ii-224409387.html

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  8. '"Can we get the late show on that?" Sure but it's just the All Night Shark Channel'

    That, or they'll put it on Shark Week.

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  9. As a 1975 release, this is the oldest film you've watched for this project. Holds up pretty well for a film that's nearly 40 doesn't it?
    It's also my brother's favourite film :)

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    1. This movie is more than twice as old as me. That's crazy. Literally twenty years older than me.

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  10. That drunk scene in the cabin? According to the actors, they were truly and deeply loaded and ad-libbed a lot of that. Pretty amazing.

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  11. "spit? why spit?"

    Scuba divers rub spit on the inside of their goggles to keep them from fogging up. The script is great. "I got no spit" tells the viewers that he is so scared sh!tless his mouth is dry.

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    Replies
    1. Didn't know that. At this rate I'm going to be a wrecking ball come trivia night. :D

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  12. Oh, good. I'm glad that you got the stress and tension without the movie causing you, as Alien did, to question the existence of a kind and loving God.

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